Nights like this when I miss you so much. When I just want someone’s lips to kiss and sit with on the couch. To hold, and unravel ourselves as we whisper along to Brand New. I wish you lasted more than two nights; I wish you were replaced by now. I need your energy.

My dreams can’t drown because I taught them how to swim.

Speed to outrun the fear, close enough to still feel it down my neck.

Life fast as time itself; can’t stop kicking if you want to stay afloat.

I have no problem with my loneliness. I love it actually, usually I wish there was more of it. It’s the lack of affection that breaks my heart.

I’m scared for the day when it’s too late to die young. When that options turned to dust and the time’s past. I’m not afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of the no-way-out. I’m afraid because failure’s an option.

I feel fearless, and bold. Like finally I realized the crazy people know something everyone else doesn’t. They’re in touch with a side of something, a lining, that no one else even knows about. We put all of ourself into everything we do, every word we speak, every endeavor we try, every emotion we have. And it doesn’t always sit well, and some people will never understand and the frustration radiates to the bone, but the real you make is the realest thing you’ll ever have. It’s not a bad thing. It’s truth. And, it’s living. That’s what living is. It’s giving all yourself to you. And you conscience, and your heart, and whatever it is that makes you happy. And, you don’t have to know what that is, but you can’t be afraid to find it.

Put all of yourself out there. 

Losing again, for now. I am content, but I come home to bed of abandonment and you travel anywhere, wrapped around your girlfriend. I’ll admit it, you’re winning here. But not there, nor forever. The grander years of my life have hardly begun. I’m just so happy that I’m going to be happy one day. And, it’s going to have nothing to do with you, and I’m going to stand so tall, with my shoulders back, with the most mischievous smile on my face, and wallow in the satisfaction I invented—because I did it without you.

That was the most scarring wake I’ve ever been to. Too many lingering feelings and hopeless thoughts. You are in angel in that room of flowers and people that love you dearly. Your littlest brother ripped my heart out and made it fly at the same time. He’s your twin, beautiful and free, and he just sat there next to you and kept you company in the midst of death like all the properties of living didn’t phase him. I wish him the best. He’s living for two.

Me, right now, I need affection. I just want someone to lean on. And cry on. And grasp. I wish you would comfort me and play with my hair and lay with me, kiss my face, cradle my fragile head, and speak minimally and only through beautiful murmured whispers. I wish. But I can’t keep reaching out to you. I want you—not thin air and decaying morale. I wish you would give me anything because it’s not fair to keep doing this to myself. 

More than anything I just want you to be okay. I hope you did have any pain, but I guess you probably did and this is how the pain was taken away from you. I would have never wanted to see you hurt or suffer or feel the slightest ache. I’m so sorry. I’m so soo sorry Shane. I can’t keep saying I love you enough and I’m so so sorry any of this had to happen. I can’t fucking believe it. I can’t believe it’s you. I would give anything to hug you again. Why did this have to happen? Why did this have to fucking kill you? I will never be able to believe this is the end. You’re always here, that spirit and that smile isn’t going anywhere. 

This is what they meant. When they tried to show us in movies and on the news that tragedy happens, and it happens to the young and the beautiful and the happy-hearted and the loved ones, when you least expect it. 

We can’t stop death. We don’t know our time. We don’t know how long we have on this earth. We can take care of ourselves all we want, floss twice a day and eat all our vegetables, but that doesn’t mean we won’t get into a car wreck on our way home; that doesn’t mean we’ll see 99 or our even our own wedding. No one tells you you’re going to die in your 20’s. No one tells you you’re going to lose friends spontaneously and one by one till it’s your turn. 

Days are guaranteed—friends, good fortune, wealth—life isn’t guaranteed. Death is. You can be 100% positive that death will grip you and all your friends and all your family so you might as well make amends, be exactly who you want to be, say exactly how you feel, make your life the way you want it to be, and love, love with all your heart and all your life before you don’t have one anymore.

This is what they meant when they said only the good die young. This is what they meant when they said rest in peace. This is what they meant when they said memento mori. 

I love you Shane, buddy, I’ll miss you forever.